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Death of a Loved One

This blog on my fear of losing a loved one does not come on happenstance.  This week is always a bit melancholy for me; this would have been my best friend Frankie’s 41st birthday.  Yup, June 15, 1971was one special day, when one beautiful soul graced the earth, she had a heart of gold, a smile that sparkled like the stars and a laugh that filled your heart.  The road has been difficult for me after she left this life to go on to whatever lies beyond, but I have gained so much through this journey.

So each year I write a poem for Frankie on her birthday, and today the day before I thought I’d share a bit about learning to go on without letting go.  For me I thought if I moved on it meant letting go, I was so wrong.  Moving on is not letting go, maybe it’s letting go of the pain but it is not letting go of the precious person we long to have in our life here on earth.  It took me so long to come to terms with this, so many times I wonder what beautiful things I missed out because I couldn’t move on.

Frankie passed away on August 23, 2003, it has been 9 years and most of them lived looking over my shoulder.  I was afraid to move on, afraid to love fully, afraid to let my heart fill that deep sorrow ever again.  What I didn’t realize was this wall I was building was keeping me from my family, keeping me from new friendships; it was keeping me from life.  I could have simply crawled into a cave and dissolved into the darkness.

I am not sure if I can put my finger on the “one” thing that kicked me in the butt and let the healing start, but it started.  I woke up one day and I heard Frankie’s laughter in my heart.   I began to remember all the goofy and silly times.  I even remembered the hard times and with a new reverence held them like precious jewels in my heart.  It was those hard times that taught me so much, how to be strong when facing difficult times.  You see, I sat right next to Frankie when the doctor told her she would live maybe one more year.  I cried with her, I listened to her, I leaned on her for strength, and she was strong, strong enough for both of us in the next few months that followed.

Maybe that was the reason her leaving was tough, she was the strong one, how could she have left me… I needed her.

Funny how we see things through the, me, my, mine view, always worried about what might hurt us.  What I didn’t’ realize for years was that she is here, in my heart, my memories, in the universe that surrounds me.  Her strength never left me, it wrapped itself around me and with every tear that fell she was there.  You see we never truly lose those we love, we are separated in time.  They have simply moved on to a place and time we have not reached in our journey yet.

Now with each new challenge in my life I don’t feel so alone.  I find peace and comfort that my best friend is here with me and all those who love her.  She whispers encouragement on the breeze, she weeps with each rain drop, her laughter is a falling star, and she is the comfort and beauty of each sunset.

I have lost a few people I love dearly over the past few years and though I mourn for time, I now try to celebrate their life.  For it is in celebrating those we love that they truly live on, in our hearts and our mind…

I hope for those of you who have lost a loved one, you find comfort and peace.  Life’s journey is never easy, but it is through those hardships we gain so much, there is magic in memories and love that heals…

Much Love and Butterfly Blessing…

A scene from Practical Magic… Mine and Frankie’s favorite girlie movie.