How does one even start when it comes to the fears they face when it comes to the one we love. I know for me I have plenty even after 19 years. We have weathered many storms but like the endless ocean tides, life’s tide can swiftly change. Right now, the ocean of my marriage is smooth sailing, with gentle waves rolling through our days. I am grateful for that. I love when we can drop the sail and just float through the days tide…but it was during some of the toughest storms my love grew beyond what I ever thought possible.
I have known my life partner, best friend and love of my life since I was 15 years old, that’s more than half my life! That is amazing… but it wasn’t always easy for us. We lost our first pregnancy early in our marriage, we came from extremely different home environments and I was (and still can be) a very stubborn girl. He is quiet like a gentle spring breeze I am loud like summer thunder and we did not always see eye to eye. Oh the early years of our life together were so magical and difficult…how the memories make me smile now.
Soon babies, jobs, and bills filled our life. It amazes me how this period had so much joy and equally as much pain. I call it our dark ages, a time when we let things shadow our love for each other. I lost my best friend, was dealing with the possibility of breast cancer and depression filled my days, I was at an all-time low. I am not going to go into a whole lot of details; there were many factors during this time in our life that led to an affair on my husband’s part. I am grateful for every one of those precious healing tears shed, every word shouted, and the anger that pulled me back to the land of living. I was still in the game and so was my husband. We came through it all, it took a few years but anything worthwhile takes time… How much more in love we became from this dark time.
Today our kids are entering the teen years, my husband’s career is wonderful and I am able to focus on my dream of writing. But by no means have I conquered my fears about my marriage, they are not the same fears of a young wife or a new mom, No, my fears are growing older. My husband has COPD topped off with a healthy dose of asthma; it frightens me to death when he becomes ill. I tell him I am too young to be a widow and someday he has to walk his daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. He assures me he isn’t going anywhere and in those moments I believe him.
We have plans of sailing off into warm sunsets on an ocean that sparkles like jewels of fire, or taking long autumn walks under a canopy of brilliant red and orange leaves. I love the thoughts and plans we are making for our twilight years. I try to not let fears cloud my thoughts and every day I tell him how much I love him and he does the same for me. Today, I am giving up this fear because it is one of those things I cannot control. I can control the way I choose to spend my life with the man I love and I choose to spend it head over heels in love with him…Thankful for every moment together. I believe that even in death we will not part, but set off on a new journey, one that leads to our Summerland an eternity together…